Today I found myself looking at old text messages from Alexis and it made me happy and then threw me into a burst of emotions. I found myself crying uncontrollably because to simply put it- I MISS HER. I miss everything about my adult child. She came to me in her times of excitement, frustration and when she needed advice. I miss getting the calls from her, where she would say ‘Hey mom! Just calling to see how your day was?’ This would be followed by a series of jokes and laughs.
Alexis was always good for a laugh and making me smile. However today it dawned on me, with out her- Who am I? Losing a child is one of the worst, heart wrenching, out of body, traumatic and devastating experiences a parent can endure. It is the worst thing that can happen to a parent.
I have been a mother for 22 years. Longer than anything else in my life, I have been a mother. Alexis made me a mother and now she is gone. I feel like a part of me is lost and a part of my motherhood has died. I know life will never ever be the same, but I will continue to strive to do my best and leave a light where I go just as my daughter did.
I am still Alexis’s Mom and I will make her proud. I will still cry out for her when I need to, I am still going to be kind, beautiful and caring to everyone I meet. I will fail but I will get up each time and keep pushing forward. I have many titles, but no matter what happens to me and my family- I am HIS daughter and I will always be MOM.