Today in church pastor reminded us of the story of Joseph. To briefly summarize- Joseph was a young boy who had a complete and utter favor with his father, who was sold into slavery and betrayed by his own brothers. Joseph went through so many trials and sufferings and in the end was re-united with his family and was given all control over Egypt. This ending- although it was great, did not come without PAIN and SUFFERING.
This story hits me like a ton of bricks today. I am in the midst of what I call the ultimate suffering. I have never experienced a pain like this, the sadness is so deep and the void is so great. The only time I ever feel better is when I pray and even when I pray, some days I am in shambles.
When all the emotions subside, I find myself alone with my thoughts and the holy spirit. He is calm and comforting and reminds me that I have great purpose. He reminds me how great our God is and not to worry. He reminds me of what scripture says- Genesis 50:20 ‘You decided to hurt me. But God caused a good thing to happen because of that.’ Not only will God make good come out of my hurt, the holy spirit reminds me how ornate I am. I am created in his likeness, he has spared no detail to my life and continues to restore me one tear at a time. He has given me grace and continues to soften my heart while I heal. This is also true for all of you who are reading this. Pain is not wanted, it is never welcomed but it is always necessary for growth. I know I would have never been this close with God or helping others had I not lost my daughter. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t give to have her back with me, but I also know that her passing has opened doors, cultivated healing and relationships with others that also need God.
We are orante. By definition we are made ‘in an intricate shape or decorated with complex patterns.’ He has spared no detail when it comes to us. He was there for my first smile, my many tears and the constant molding of my spirt, mind and heart. He reminds me constantly, no matter how I feel or what I go through- He will turn it for better. So today, I sit near the pain. I am closer to it than I’d like to admit. But I know that through this pain, I am finding a beautiful unspeakable spiritual intimacy that is giving me a deep healing that only God can give. I do not like the pain, but I know for right now at least- This is exactly where I need to be, next to HIM.