Its been 75 days since I got the phone call that changed my life forever. I will never forget that day, as I'm sure most of us will never forget the day they find out they lose someone. I have laid my daughter to rest and what I call 'the show' has ended. There is no funeral to go to, there is nothing to plan, there are no gatherings. The 'show' has officially ended.
Life has gone back to 'normal' for many of our friends and family and the wound of losing my child is still very fresh. There are days where I felt guilty to feel happiness, to laugh, to enjoy anything no matter how small it was. I quickly learned via my husband that we cannot live like this. Alexis would not want us to be sad every day. Alexis ALWAYS laughed and always wanted to have a good time, she would be so upset if I was sad everyday.
Eventually, the guilt went away but the joy hasnt completely come back. I have moments where I truly do enjoy life and I smile. However often times, I tend to over analyze who and what is infront me, I am constantly looking at people as if I can see through them. I often wonder if they suffered a loss like mine, would their complaints be about? What would they be thankful for?
Although I am fresh into my journey, I can tell you this is what life is like.
1. I am sad, but I dont want to be
2. I am actively participating in grief class, this has helped me process my feelings.
3. I am getting better each day.
4. I believe God has my daughter and I have peace knowing this.
5. I dont try to suppress my grief. If I feel sad, I will allow myself to feel this way.
6. I dont try to suppress my happiness either. If I feel happy, I will also allow myself to feel this way 'free of guilt'.
I know it has been very long, but I am taking it one day at a time.