Much of my childhood was spent helping my deaf parents navigate through life. My mother lived off of a fixed income and really had no ‘real life’ skills when it came to being a mother. My mother was evicted multiple times when I was younger. I would start a new school once, sometimes twice a year. I never had a best friend or really any friends growing up because I was never around any one long enough to form a friendship. I learned early on how to be by myself and not to become close to people as I knew they would not be around long. My father lived in another state and could barely afford to take care of his 2nd family and there was no way my mother would let us live with him, as that would affect her monthly child support. In the end, we all endured many stresses and heartbreaks of living a life my mother could barely navigate herself let alone raise children in.
One summer when I was about 7 years old, I remember my mother telling me that we had no place to stay. I really didn’t understand what that meant until it became dark and I realized, we were not going anywhere to sleep. My mom got some blankets and laid them out in the back of her husband’s semi, while her and her husband went into the Cabin of the truck to sleep. I was left in the back of the semi with my 3 siblings. This was my first experience of being homeless. I remember vividly thinking, is this really happening? Are we sleeping in the back of a truck? She shut the door, only to leave a crack so we could see the moonlight come in as the sun went down. The next morning, we woke up and my mom took us to Whataburger to freshen up. In this bathroom is where I washed my face and brushed my teeth and went back to the semi and waited for my mom to tell us what the game plan was for the day.
This went on for several days before we finally found a place to live.
So why go back in time? My mother wasn't always this way, there was time where she was healthy. However her choices in life had a domino effect on all of us. My mother formed so much of my ability to be a mother both good and bad. Alexis was my first born and she was the one to make me a mother. She made me realize, I can make a difference. She gave me hope and in some ways erased so many of my younger dark days. When I think about how many nights I went to bed worrying about my mother, not knowing what we were going to eat, the constant fighting, the drugs I was exposed to , the unhealthy relationships and abuse. I would look at her little face and know that SHE would never have to worry about any of these things. She would know how much I loved her and although we had every brick stacked against us, her precious life gave me strength to knock each one down.
I would have given my life to ensure she woud never grow up how I did.
My days are still hard to navigate through, but I know God’s plan is perfect. I may not like it, but it is absolutely perfect. I love you Lexi, I cried for you so much this week. God continues to show me how he is moving and all I can do is listen and follow.